I’m Scared

I met someone. He’s amazing. He reminds me a lot of my deceased father (biological). We’ll call him… Z.

A little girls’ first love is their father, right? At least for those who actually have their father in their life. But, then, we are just supposed to what? Find someone like them? I feel like I’ve been searching my whole life for that someone that reminded me of my dad. Sometimes I think it’s because I lost him at such a young age, but I don’t really know anymore.

The first thing I noticed were his hands; they’re manly and rough, just like my dad’s. He dips, my dad dipped. Although now he is trying really hard to quit, thanks to me of course; and just before my dad passed, he was trying to quit too… because of me. He plays guitar, my dad played guitar. He knows about cars, my dad was a mechanic. He loves Mountain Dew, my dad loved Mountain Dew. He has brown eyes, my dad had brown eyes. Then, there is his handwriting… They are almost identical… I just couldn’t believe it. Most of all, he loves motorcycles; my dad had a Harley Davidson, and well… Z also has a Harley Davidson.

Of course, they still have tons of differences. But, one thing that I know that I want in life is someone that reminds me of my dad. He does just that…and more. We’ve only been together for a month now, but I feel like we’ve known each other for a life time.

I have my dad’s wedding ring on a necklace, I wear it every single day. When I get married, I plan on giving my husband this ring, but only if it’s the right person. I think my dad will tell me who the right one is, maybe in a dream or something; I hope so. A friend and co-worker of mine were talking a couple days ago about this, she’s actually the one who asked me if that was my plan, to give a man this ring someday; I obviously told her yes. Then she joked, “what if it fits Z perfectly?” I looked at her, smiled, maybe even laughed a little bit; I don’t quite remember.

What if it really does fit him perfectly? Is that the sign that I would be looking for?

But… I’m scared. I’m scared of it not working out. When I realized all the things about him that reminded me of my dad, every fiber in my body told me it was time to run. When things started getting a little more serious, everything in me said, “you’re getting too close, it’s time to walk away.” It’s just what I do. I run from things. All the time. When things get tough for me, I make a run for it. Because… well… It’s just easier that way. I’ve never been able to get close to anyone really. It’s hard for me to open up to people, especially, guys. I don’t know why. It’s just always been that way.

He’s scared of it not working out because he may say the wrong things or do something that I don’t like. But, the thing is, if this relationship were to end… it would be my fault. For running away. I’ve tried so hard to get myself to open up to him. Let my feelings show. Wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. It’s hard. Extremely hard. I don’t know how to open myself up again after being heartbroken so much. And I don’t just mean being heartbroken by the guys I’ve dated before. I also mean because I’ve had so much just taken from me. Somethings that I’ll just never get back. I don’t know…

I’m just… Scared.