It’s been awhile

Hello everyone.

It’s certainly been quite some time since I have posted here – mainly because I’ve had immense writer’s block over the years, even for this blog. I just really don’t know what to say anymore here.

Do I continue to write about me and my life, to treat it like a diary? Do I write book proposals? Do I write portions of a book in this format and have each blog a new chapter? Do I… as I’m writing this, I really think that I have the best idea… a light bulb (almost) LITERALLY went off in my head and I am all smiles while writing this.

I’m excited to see how this works out actually.

“I like my anonymity – that when I meet people they don’t know me.”

~ Mia Wasikowska

I am choosing to stay anonymous as I continue writing because I know people are going to have strong opinions about some things I say. I do not wish to get political with any posts, but should things arise overtime that I need to, I do not want to be *personally* attacked for it.

With that being said, I have a prompt book that I bought many years ago to help with that writer’s block, but could never find the time to write in it. Therefore, that is what I have decided to do here. I am going to pick prompts, and instead of writing them down in the book, I’ll write them here. I’d like to see what others opinions are and am very open to answering other prompts. The majority of them will be fiction, but if anyone is interested in giving me a nonfiction prompt, of sorts, please do so.

I look forward to starting a new journey here and seeing other peoples engagement in my postings!

I’m Scared

I met someone. He’s amazing. He reminds me a lot of my deceased father (biological). We’ll call him… Z.

A little girls’ first love is their father, right? At least for those who actually have their father in their life. But, then, we are just supposed to what? Find someone like them? I feel like I’ve been searching my whole life for that someone that reminded me of my dad. Sometimes I think it’s because I lost him at such a young age, but I don’t really know anymore.

The first thing I noticed were his hands; they’re manly and rough, just like my dad’s. He dips, my dad dipped. Although now he is trying really hard to quit, thanks to me of course; and just before my dad passed, he was trying to quit too… because of me. He plays guitar, my dad played guitar. He knows about cars, my dad was a mechanic. He loves Mountain Dew, my dad loved Mountain Dew. He has brown eyes, my dad had brown eyes. Then, there is his handwriting… They are almost identical… I just couldn’t believe it. Most of all, he loves motorcycles; my dad had a Harley Davidson, and well… Z also has a Harley Davidson.

Of course, they still have tons of differences. But, one thing that I know that I want in life is someone that reminds me of my dad. He does just that…and more. We’ve only been together for a month now, but I feel like we’ve known each other for a life time.

I have my dad’s wedding ring on a necklace, I wear it every single day. When I get married, I plan on giving my husband this ring, but only if it’s the right person. I think my dad will tell me who the right one is, maybe in a dream or something; I hope so. A friend and co-worker of mine were talking a couple days ago about this, she’s actually the one who asked me if that was my plan, to give a man this ring someday; I obviously told her yes. Then she joked, “what if it fits Z perfectly?” I looked at her, smiled, maybe even laughed a little bit; I don’t quite remember.

What if it really does fit him perfectly? Is that the sign that I would be looking for?

But… I’m scared. I’m scared of it not working out. When I realized all the things about him that reminded me of my dad, every fiber in my body told me it was time to run. When things started getting a little more serious, everything in me said, “you’re getting too close, it’s time to walk away.” It’s just what I do. I run from things. All the time. When things get tough for me, I make a run for it. Because… well… It’s just easier that way. I’ve never been able to get close to anyone really. It’s hard for me to open up to people, especially, guys. I don’t know why. It’s just always been that way.

He’s scared of it not working out because he may say the wrong things or do something that I don’t like. But, the thing is, if this relationship were to end… it would be my fault. For running away. I’ve tried so hard to get myself to open up to him. Let my feelings show. Wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. It’s hard. Extremely hard. I don’t know how to open myself up again after being heartbroken so much. And I don’t just mean being heartbroken by the guys I’ve dated before. I also mean because I’ve had so much just taken from me. Somethings that I’ll just never get back. I don’t know…

I’m just… Scared.

Apartment Life

So, I’ve recently realized something… Being an adult sucks, majorly. Paying bills sucks, too.

I remember wanting to grow up so bad when I was younger, and now all I want to do is be young again. To be carefree; no responsibilities, no bills, no looking after myself, not seeing my mom everyday. It’s really tough. Honestly, all I want to do right now is cry, and just cry. I don’t know what it is about tonight, but everything just hit me, everything bad that is. Although, this happens every night actually, so no different in tonight… I just don’t know what to do anymore…

Sorry. Back to this apartment life thing… It’s different, and I’m not completely sure how I feel about it yet. Even though I’ve been here since the beginning of August. I don’t like having to pay for bills. Now I understand how my mom and dad always felt when us kids wouldn’t ever clean up after ourselves or anything. I told my parents a couple of days ago, actually, at dinner, that I apologized for the way I always acted. Like a typical teenage girl of course, but now here I am; 19 and I have my own apartment. I really like it, but at the same time I wish I was still home with my parents. I miss them a lot, even though I wanted to punch them both sometimes. Isn’t that expect, though? I mean, come on. Anyway, after I said sorry about everything, they told me, “Told you so,” which is likely that they would say that. I’m okay with it though, they have every right to say that!! I just wish they would’ve slapped me in the face and told me to listen when they told me stuff like, you won’t like this or you won’t like that. Don’t do this, or don’t do that. My mom tried to tell me all of these things, but of course, I didn’t listen. I just wish I would’ve. Maybe I wouldn’t be in the predicament now.

My roommate, K, I always seem to be picking up after her. That’s another thing I apologized to my mom for because she had to pick up after all four of us kids, and now my sister’s kid. Now I understand how aggravating it is to constantly pick up after people, but oh well. July is when our lease is up, so I guess we will see what happens in that time. Hopefully, nothing worse than what has already happened to me.

Thanks for reading…

Tons of Updates

Hey guys! It’s me again. It’s been awhile since I have posted, so I apologize for that. But, I have loads of updates for anyone that wants to know about them.

• First thing’s first, I moved out of my parents house and into my own apartment. With a roommate, of course, one of my friends from high school. She will go by K here.
• Next, I started college. It’s really nothing like I thought it would be. Although, I didn’t think much of it before I even started. I just don’t think it’s for me really; I don’t know, I just don’t like it that much.
• Last, but not least, I met someone… (He will go by N here; more about him later.)

As you can see, crazy things have happened to me lately, so you can probably understand why it’s been so long since I have written. I love writing, so I don’t know why I ever stopped. I should really try to keep this going, but my mind gets so distracted and moved to something else so easily. I hate it. Sometimes I wonder if people notice when I’m not fully… “there.”

I’ll write about each one of those points separately, so more about all that later.

Thanks for reading.

Mother

So, I’ve gotten really far behind on the Blogging 101, so what I’m writing today is my day four; identify your audience. More or less, I’m supposed to write to someone that I would like to read my blog, so I am.

My mother. I don’t know what it is, but my moms seems to stick up for my older sister for everything. Even though, literally everything she does is wrong. My parents are adopting my sisters daughter because my sister does not take care of her, at all. There have been times when my sister would come over to “babysit” her own daughter for my mom so that she could go do the things she needed to do without the hassle of trying to keep up with a four year old. Why? Why can’t my sister just be a normal, good mother to her child and not make the grandmother be the legal guardian? Now, why does my mom stick up for her even to this day? Why do you do that, mom? I understand that she is your daughter just as well as I am, but J (sister) and D (brother) both got kicked out, but still get almost whatever they ask for. Now me on the other had, B, I am trying to move out and start a life at just 18 years old and I haven’t gotten half of the things they have gotten. You gave me a car, and I appreciate that! But, now you are trying to tell me that I need to pay for everything on my own, while I’m also going to be going to college? I don’t think so, the other two haven’t even tried to get into college… You’ve paid D’s insurance on all of his vehicles, and he’s messed every single one of them up and you find him a new one each time. J, on the other hand, you watch her child for goodness sake!! Why did you take on that action? You raised three of us, plus one step when you got remarried… Raising someone else’s child is not your responsibility. I know that if E (J’s daughter) would’ve stayed with her, she would not be okay, so I understand why you took on that action; for E’s sake. But, my problem is… why do you find something wrong in everything that I actually do right? It just doesn’t make any since. It’s almost like you think I am just as bad as they are, when it’s clear that I’m not! I just don’t understand, at all. But, I’m done now… I don’t really care anymore. Doing that is just going to push me further away than I already am.

Seriously?

Okay, so I’m here to talk about what just happened to me and also what has happened over the past couple of weeks.

So, I like this guy who used to live 5 hours away from me, who now lives just 20 minutes away did something really stupid. I am now extremely pissed off. He, two of my friends, and I are all in a group text, and my friends were talking to each other about how Ruby Rose is “hot”, in which I would have to disagree. I think she is pretty, yes, but not hot. Anyway, then this guy that I like, who says he likes me back might I add, says that his girlfriend is a lot hotter and then sends a picture of her in her bra and underwear….. Yes, he has a girlfriend, but you don’t know the whole story so don’t start judging. I will probably end up talking about it at some point, but now is not the time. So, naturally I get extremely pissed off because who wouldn’t at that? He knows how I feel about him and for him to just do that (he still hasn’t apologized) just proves that he doesn’t care how I feel or what I think. My friends also now, don’t like him because of that. That was uncalled for and immature. It’s just stupid, and I feel like none of this makes since, but I will be posting this as is because I really just don’t care right now.

And people wonder why I’m so insecure about myself. It’s stuff like this that make me that way because of how I’m treated my guys I like and anything along those lines. I just don’t know what to do about it.

Who am I, and why am I here?

So, I won’t tell you who I am, but I will tell you why I am here.

I’ve decided to keep my identity a secret because I don’t know who could potentially read this. Could be no one at all, could be a lot of different people, but it could also be friends and family of mine too. And well frankly, I just don’t want them to know it’s me, if they were to read this of course. I may reveal myself in the distant future, but for now, I’ll stay anonymous. I’m here blogging, online, and not in a journal because I want to know what other people think about what I write, how I write, and maybe even give me some moral support. Topics that I will post about will be totally random and may not even have to do with anything. I may just want to write about how my day was, or something along those lines.

Connecting with people through my blog would be great because if I could do that, then that means I have potential, at least in my eyes. I would like to connect, help, and give out my own moral support, if needed, to any of my readers. I would like you all to know that I am here for absolutely anyone who has questions, or just wants someone to talk to.

Lastly, within the next year, I hope to see my blog out there. People talking about it, talking to me, anything of that sort. I love to write and that’s why I’m here. I may not be good, but I can’t hold back on what I love to do.

I suppose that’ll be all, for now. Thank you for reading.

How?

How is it possible for me to never get what I truly want? How is it that my closest friends can’t see straight through my fake smile I have had everyday for the past 8 years? How is it that the guy I want, never wants me back? How is it that I can sit here and talk to my friends, and they still don’t think anything is wrong? How is it that I am still such a screw up? How is it that my own parents can’t see anything? How is it that I try so hard to please others, but they still always see the worst in me? How is it that I have so many flaws that no one can see past them? How is it possible for me to sit here and write this even though no one will read it, let alone care? How is it that all I seem to know how to do is cry? How is it that every time I actually do something right, I still get yelled at for what I did wrong? How is it that my prayers always go unanswered? How is it that I can physically feel my heart shatter all over again every single day? How is it for someone who is called a cold-hearted bitch be so caring about others? Most importantly… How is it that I can come up with so many questions so quickly without even really thinking about them?

A Dream

One of my dreams is to be a writer, although some part of me doesn’t think that will ever happen. But, I do think I should really start posting more… Maybe then I could actually get people to read what I write. Maybe even give me pointers on what to write about, or even writing in general.

I did try to write a book once… It didn’t really go anywhere considering I never finished it. It wasn’t even that good either. Although, my cousin and I did try to start writing a book together, but guess where that ended up? No where. Again. Maybe I should try to write one on my own again now that I have the things I actually need to even begin, like a laptop. Only problem is, English is not my strong suit. I am American, so obviously I speak English, but when I say it isn’t my strong suit, I mean everything that comes along with it; correct punctuation, spelling, basically anything that comes along with it, the things learned in a high school or college English class. I think I could potentially be a good writer, but only if I actually tried and kept up with working on an actual book. I mean seriously, I can’t even maintain writing on here. How long has it been? At least a month, right? Yeah, so it probably won’t ever happen. Though I think I will try to start one. If it gets anywhere, like a couple chapters in and still going strong, I’ll talk about it.

Anyone have any ideas?

God Works In Mysterious Ways

He truly, truly does. I have to say, I only really know this at such a young age because I had a very screwed up childhood. I lost my father at the age of 10, just enough to remember him, but not enough to really know him. Now, I know a lot of kids go through the same thing, but there are still a lot who don’t, and I feel as if they just don’t understand how good they should be treating their parents until it’s too late. I was a huge daddy’s girl, inside and out! And when I say, “inside and out,” I mean that my heart had more love for my dad than anyone and anything in the world, and on the out, I look a lot like him.

I wish I could’ve known him longer, but God just wanted to have him back home with Him, and I respect that, in more ways than one. I believe that if my dad were still here, my life would be so much more different, so much more! I know what you are probably thinking, “Oh, what does this 18 year old know?” Well, for starters, I know enough to know what I’m talking about and actually mean it. Unlike some people in this world.